You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
