maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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