did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
