Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
