I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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