I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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