you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
