i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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