It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
