I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
