I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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