oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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