I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
