i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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