All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
