why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
