Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
