If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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