You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
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