How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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