You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
