I'm so fucking centered right now
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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