im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
