My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
