I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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