I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
