fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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