your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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