You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Found the puke drawer
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
