hotel room ftw
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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