I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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