we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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