I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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