Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
