Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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