Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
