lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
