12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
