just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We have started to decorate penises.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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