I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
