Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
