the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
