he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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