Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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