Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
