I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
