Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

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(207): View more from Maine

Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being

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(954): View more from Florida

my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.

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(914): View more from New York

He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.

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(416): View more from Toronto

So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!

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