I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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