I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
