i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
